My life's a mess. every aspect of it. the more I look at it, the more I realise how it's so incurable. and even when I try to do something about it, to make things better, there's never any improvement of any kind and sometimes, things bacome even worse. and I have so many problems, I don't even know where to start. the list goes on and on, and I feel wished that I were a kid writing all my wishes to santa claus and filling up pages and pages of never-ending lists of things I want for chrismas. but no, I'm typing into this window endless descriptions of how f***ed up my life is. and how I can't do anything about it.





academic-based, well, to start off, my physics block test, it's one of the lowest in class. and that idiot sarah zhu, is bloody sad that she didn't get 38 when she got 36. like, wtf? how about me?!! haven't you ever thought about what effect your words have on people's bloody life before your darned mouth opens?!! apparently not. cos you're too stupid to realise the reason why I always talk of you in the way I do. and why I always, in the way you say it, 'gang up with others against you'. as much as much of what you say may be the facts, but you don't need to say it so directly to others, as though I don't know it already. anyway, back to academics, my science total fail. It's not only physics, chem too. I haven't a bloody idea wtf terence heng is talking about. wth is covalent or ionic bonds or whatever shit there may be?!! and when he gave us the pre-quiz, i seriously didn't do a question. at all. except the proton number. and LA, i think I failed it too, cos everyone else write so much more, I just crapped a lot and most of it, didn't make much sense. and for History, I don't know a single damn thing. and it's not like I don't make an effort to listen to mrs ng in class. it's just that history itself. it's boring enough. and mrs ng's tone, makes it even more boring. like, wth, doesn't she know that no one's ever listening to her, especially when she speaks as though she's comforting her baby or something?





and then chinese, we all know that i'm going to fail my compo. it's never been good, and my functional writing is even worse. and the last tuition lesson I had, I wrote a compo which I THOUGHT was damn good. and wth, my tuition teacher told me how bloody nad it was and how it made no bloody sense and all those words that I thought were quite cheem for me to use, she just said how bloody wrong they were. as though I didn't put in like, damn long and a damn lot of effort to make that compo better than my normal compos. and then she just had to tell my mom, from whom i gto a bloody long lecture about how I wasn't working hard enough and wasn't listening during tuition and that I was wasting money, so if I continued like that, she will just cancel my tuition. she doesn't bloody bother to ask how I did the compo. it always the result only, the effort, time and hardwork, doesn't mean anything at all, does it?





then Math, it's shit. so often that I don't even know what Mrs Ho is talking about, especially for graphs. and it's not like I don't listen in class. I listen.all the time. and even tasia, thinks I'm crazy by forever listening in Math. but even though I listen all the time, it doesn't make a difference. I just can't do better. and I just see that i-touch that I'm working so hard in Math for, drifting away. and so thinking about the i-touch doesn't even motivate me anymore, just reminds me of how pathetic I am. but it's retarded anyway. working bloody hard to try to ace your math for a whole bloody year just to get an i-touch. it's not even an iphone. and by the end of the year, who wouldn't already have an iphone? and who had to work bloody hear to get it, despite knowing that all efforts were of totally no use at all? and seeing how I don't know how to do so many questions, is even more depressing. I always start any math ws with that positive attitude that I'm going to finish every question by myself. but just the first question, i'm stuck in the middle, the second doesn't seem right and the third i don't even know how to start, it's just so depressing I don't even want to continue to try. what's trying for when you already know that it's not worth trying even before you start?





and there's geog, which really isn't going anywhere either. I admit that I haven't been really putting in enough effort in goeg, but by the time it's geog lesson, I'm drained of all energy and spirit to make an effort to work harder.





and then there's my circle of friends. after the Physics paper, I start to doubt who are my true freinds. when xinn and inez passed me the note, there's a reason why tears didn't stop till some time after that. some of the people whom I thought were the closest to me, they didn't care at all, did they?they left the job to others. what I felt was nothing to them. or maybe they just didn't see? I don't really know. but anyway, it's confusing. and I finally realise how inez doesn't seem to mind me suddenly sticking to her during non-hmp lessons. and I always took that for granted. and xinn too, was really sweet of her to take my bottle for me. and Clarice, it's always nice to to talk to her, but I can never be very close friends with her, cos unlike some people, I don't want to pull her away from yixin, jia xin, shannen and the others. and Lesley, she's always there to listen, but somehow sometimes, there are things that I don't find it easy to tell her. mostly because I'm afraid of what she'd do or say.





Then there's the most f***ed up family that I have to face everyday. Firstly, my dad, he just so....... and I can't do anything about it. I shall say no more about it here. then my mom. all she ever knows how to do is scold me about how I'm not working hard enough. in all aspects of life. like wth, she thinks that I'm being stupid just cos I don't practice my choir songs at home in front of her. like hello?!! I just don't practice in front of HER. for one thing, she's my MOM. why would I practice in front of HER? so embarrassing can. and it's not my fault that she doesn't find it embarrassing just because she walks around the house singing some HORRID chinese songs that are COMPLETELY OFF-PITCH and have ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE OF TIMING. seriously. and my dad even regrets buying the CD player for her. It's seriously HELL to have to listen to her. and apparently, she has absolutely no sense of shame to be singing so horribly. thought in fact, I have a feeling that she has no idea how horrible she sings. which indeed, is a great shame even to me.


and besides that, all she ever know how to do is scold scold scold all day. How encouraging. and she always tells me that I can 'talk to her about things', and yet when I just open my mouth and say a couple of words just to start my sentence on some stuff that happened in school or something, she will find something to start scolding me for. wtf. and when I ask her where she went during the day, she'll be like, I won't tell you cos you do't tell me anything. like hello?! It's not that I don't want to tell you anything, it's that you don't want to listen. so it's just great if we both shut up and don't know anything about each other. Makes my life so much better.



and my bro, who the hell does he think he is. go and keep locking the desktop so we can't use it. and I think that's just cos he's too selfish, just to make sure that he can use the desktop when he comes back in the weekend. I don't think it's that he's really 'doing it for our own good'. like, since when did he start ganging up with my mom against my sis and I! Just cos he's in army now and earns his own money and always has my dad on his side just cos he's a male and not a female, doesn't mean that he doesn't need to respect us. it's like he's 'grown up' and forgotten what it was like to be a teenager and just can't wait to abuse his authority. Gosh, if that's true, i think it's more pathetic than anything.


You know what. I'm not going to continue with this post. maybe some other day. can't stand the thought of how F***ed up my life is.